Todd Pinkerton

I picked up my usual box of Frosted Flakes cereal at the grocery store this week, when I noticed the giant GUITAR HERO FREE TOY INSIDE! promotion.  The picture took up half of the box cover, with the Guitar Hero brand featured prominently.  I figured hey, they must be doing really well, to promote their games to such a mass-market audience like… like everyone who buys cereal.

So when I got home and opened the box, you might say I was a little disappointed. That’s a bit of an understatement.  I was a bit more, WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING.  This game is possibly the biggest turd to ever come out of a box of cereals, and that’s including the short-lived “Turd Crispies”.

First, its in some weird clunky wrist-watch form factor. Maybe 5-year-olds like that, whatever. Not a major gripe, just… whatever.

Second, the ‘game’ consists of a tiny LCD screen with a few sprites representing musical notes your character is supposed to catch. They ‘move’ by disappearing from on position and re-appearing in a nearby position. This is the basic principle behind video games and motion pictures, but in this instance there are exactly 3 positions for the notes to appear in. Nobody is fooled into thinking these things are moving — they’re just blinking back and forth. This is 1981 technology here folks, re-implemented for the millionth time for the brand of the week. So not only is it not ‘good’ , its not even a decent attempt at making something worth keeping out of the trash can.

Third — and this really pisses me off — is that whoever in Guitar Hero Inc that greenlighted this thing should be fired, then shot. Why, you ask? Wait for it… there’s no sound.  That’s right folks, the company and the game that ’s all about rocking out, makes toys WITHOUT SOUND.  WTF, d00d.

Ok, so its a cheap plastic game with the Guitar Hero logo slapped on it. What’s wrong with that?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong. Millions of people who have never played your game, maybe never even heard of it, are going to experience this lame cracker-jack prize. And its going to suck, and that suck will be forever associated with your brand and your product. None of them will think to themselves, “hey this Guitar Hero cereal prize is a piece of crap, but let’s plonk down $100 for the Playstation version!”

Now, maybe this is MTV’s fault — they bought Harmonix (creators of Rock Band) in 2006. Or maybe the blame lies with Activision, who acquired the Guitar Hero name. Either way, if they keep up the shoddy marketing, Rock Band will be a has-been in no time, as the cool kids who propelled the game to stardom move on to something else.  

Maybe the owners (MTV, Activision) are ok with that. Maybe that’s the whole idea — the 5-year-old-kid-with-a-playstation market is probably a lot bigger than the hipster market, and they just want to sell more games. But what about the makers of Guitar Hero, Harmonix?   If Guitar Hero was your baby, how would feel?